Catherine Keating Consulting

This, in a nutshell, is the inner dilemma of the Highly Sensitive Child. And these are the exact words my son said to me way back, when he was about 4 years old. I don’t remember the exact context of the comment, what he was responding to, but I do recall it being a crystal clear moment in my own understanding of self.

Yes! I also don’t like when the words don’t match the face. And it happens all the time, and it is exhausting to wade through and attempt to reconcile within the self. That is part of what make the world so confusing to the HS child. We’re told one story – by adults and people in our lives – and we know that the words that are coming out of their mouths don’t match their inside energy or intention. You see, a sensitive or empathic child can feel the invisible, intuitively knows the meaning behind words and interactions – and so often the two are not aligned. It is confusing and it is exhausting.

I could go into this on a deeper level and probably get wordy and wandering. In an effort to stay clear and concise, I’m going to focus on how alignment between words and actions affects parenting a sensitive child. Simply, it’s the backbone of everything. It is the backbone for the whole parenting gig for two main reasons.

1. Alignment between words and meaning forces us to own our own stories, traumas, healing, embodiment, and the ability to present ourselves in the truth of who we are. Not an insignificant thing. At all. And completely vital to our children. We must show up with a conscious awareness of alignment, or none of it will make sense to them. From the baby years to the teen years. It. Is. Vital. Sensitive Children force us to ‘do the work.’
2. When we, the parents, the caregivers, move from a place of alignment, we give our children the message that what they sense, what they intuit, is true. They get the feedback that they can trust themselves and their inner knowing. They learn to believe their inner voices. This is a most potent gift to impart on them. The power to trust their own knowing. So much of life will clear the way for them, simply by having that internal trust.

I firmly believe all parents should be held accountable for dealing with their own emotions and baggage so that they do not impart them on their children. For parents of sensitives, however, it is absolutely essential. Sensitive children will pick up on the gaps in our stories, will know where we aren’t truly aligned with what we say, will inherently feel our longings and needs, and quite possibly, unless they are clearly told otherwise, may decide it is their responsibility to take care of those needs and fill those gaps. For us. That is not their job. Their job is to learn to be themselves, to trust their own inner guidance, to become the person they are here to be.

We can give them that promise. It comes with, first and foremost, having our words match our faces. Is it easy? Heck no. We have to really show up. Parents of sensitives don’t get to phone it in. It’s a massive responsibility – I know these children coming into the world right now are asking to be parented in a new way. The old model doesn’t work for them. They need a new level of consciousness, of alignment, of heart centeredness, of awareness. And we are the parents who get to step up and provide it.

The four year old who said these words to me is now twelve, and he continues to hold me accountable. And now he has a little sister who joins him, “Mom, you said you weren’t mad, but you seem mad.” So then we have to pause and break it down, no I’m not mad, I’m frustrated, and the frustration is not directed at them, but rather the situation, and then talk about a solution, and then integrate, and then return to regularly scheduled programming… I mean. Like I said, it’s not easy. But oh my goodness, is it worth it.

They’re worth it. These children of mine, of ours. They force us to show up as our whole selves, they force us to deal with our own stories, to integrate our own healing, to parent them from a place of embodied knowledge. And when we do that – when we show up how they need us to – they learn to do the same. They learn to walk their talk, to trust their gut, to stand tall, to shine brightly – all the things that create a dynamic and capable adult.

I don’t like when your words don’t match your face. Nah, buddy, I don’t either. It is incredibly annoying – and draining. And I am oh so grateful that he’s been calling me out on it from the start.